I was going to post an elaborate entry all about how I'm feeling, had it all typed out and everything, but instead I think I'll just post a string of profanities and be done with it:
Jesus fuck bastard accursed damnation shitting twot!!!
I feel slightly better. Think I'll go kill myself for a bit.
We're having a party on saturday. Everyone seems to be really looking forward to it. Me and Dan decorated the flat especially, we even got a christmas tree. Hopefully the party will be a success, enough people are coming for it to be fun.
Essentially, with the exception of Rob, we're a flat of bachelors which before a party always seems all the more obvious as a fact. I think they're all hoping for a little romance this christmas and certainly for a little romance at the party. To that end I've helped the others out by giving them one of my better ideas. Seeing as how the majority of people invited are female I suggested placing mistletoe above the front door so that when they go to let the guests in they can ask for a kiss before entry is granted. I'm looking forward to seeing the inevitable rush to answer the front door when the bell rings hehe.
Myself, although I'm looking forward to the party, I'm not hoping or looking for anything of the romantic nature to happen. I'd much rather place it in Fate's hands and if anything happens, it happens. I don't think I have much heart in me for romance.
At this party I shall be mostly playing Singstar. Perhaps I'll sing a duet with someone or perhaps just serenade the room :P
...I shaved. The comedy wasn't worth the stigma.
Just when I was starting to feel good about myself my depression starts to get the better of me. It's always the way, I can't help it either. I've struggled for the longest time with manic depression, it's not a case of not letting it get to you because it does, no matter what. Unless I go back on the meds of course, to which I refuse.
There's no-one I can really talk to about everything. I never feel right bothering anyone with my problems or my feelings. Sometimes all I want is someone to hold me close and tell me everything will be ok, that I'm loved.
I always blame myself for however I feel. It's my fault if I don't/won't feel better.
Still having nightmares. Those aren't as bad as the dreams though. But that's a story for another time.
I haven't shaved for about 4-5 days and I just looked at myself in the mirror;
hahahahahahahhahahahaha...
...lemme finish...
....hahahahahaha.
I might not shave again for a while and grow a beard for the sheer comedic value.
Beauty and the Beast is the best Disney movie. I identify with the Beast.
Anyway been thinking about my "lovelife" recently (not that it's much of a life). I can't say I've met anyone I've been really interested in, I know a few nice girls, attractive too, but I'm just not attracted to them. Is there even anyone out there who meets my specifications of the kinda girl I'd date?
It's not like I'm looking for perfection or have standards that are too high. Maybe I just hang out in the wrong circles to meet somebody I'd actually be interested in romantically. Well someone within my league anyway. I do have a bit of a crush on one of Gareth's girlfriend's friends. But I've only really met her once briefly and she's insanely out of my league. And to be honest I probably wouldn't persue her even if I thought I had a chance, mortals aren't meant to mess with goddesses. Reaching for an angel's hand can have rewards I suppose.
Anyway I'm ready to put myself out there, it's time for Row to shine once again. Matt is gonna take a back seat for once.
I finally gave in.
After 6 months I've ordered another copy of When Harry Met Sally. Wherever my first copy went I've given up finding it. I think I must've lent it to someone, possibly a girl I liked. Luckily for me it's on special offer at the moment meaning I'm only £5 out of pocket, but still, it's the principle of the thing.
Anyway from things I like to things I don't...
Found out recently (although I've suspected for a while, I'm not THAT dense) that a couple of new people are romantically interested in me. For anybody else that'd be good news, not for Matt. It puts me somewhat in conflict with myself. I can split the two differing halves of my personality into Matt and Row.
Matt hates himself, he loathes everything he is. Matt thinks he knows that he's unattractive. Matt doesn't notice when women look at him. He thinks people are stupid and mostly liars. He goes to sleep every night alone hoping that he won't wake up again only to be plagued with nightmares. He wants companionship and love more than anything but he doesn't believe he deserves it. He's quiet and insecure in social situations and hates attention. He believes that he doesn't deserve happiness so much that he'll sabotage anything that comes close to it and shun human/social company just to sit in his room alone wondering why the world has forsaken him. When the truth is it isn't the world that's turned it's back on him, it's himself. He resents anything that could make him happy and anything good in his life.
Matt is an idiot, he knows it but does nothing about it. And Matt hates, or perhaps envies and resents, Row.
Row loves himself, he thinks he's a genuinely good guy, one of the few. Row knows he's good looking, he notices when girls look at him with interest. He enjoys the company of people or simply observing them. He goes to sleep every night alone hoping that he'll sleep peacefully although he never does. He too wants companionship and love more than anything but unlike Matt, Row believes that he does deserve it. He's confident, witty and charming in social situations and likes the attention. Row has managed to win over the hearts of more than a few women. Row knows that in many aspects of his life he's a lucky guy and appreciates all he has.
Row is clever and he knows it, but he's modest and would never say so to anybody (personal blog excluded). Row doesn't hate Matt, he pities him.
So there we have it, or rather, me. A rather simplistic view of me anyway. Most of the time Matt is the stronger half. I've tried to reconcile the two, I truly have. I used to be more Row than Matt, but things happen and times change. I know deep down that I want to be nothing but Row, but I just don't know how. Recently however I kinda feel like Row is fighting a bit harder against Matt, it's just a small difference but maybe, just maybe, he'll win. Though I doubt it.
So when people tell me that they are romantically interested in me, I conflict within myself, unable to tell what it is I want or how I truly feel, I don't think I could get romantically attached to someone at the moment anyway.
Oh and just to make it clear I wasn't talking about split personalities here, this was just an analogy/metaphor. Split personality would be a nasty condition to have and the medicine would taste awful :P .
EDIT: Ok usually once I've made an entry I post it then proof-read it for mistakes then edit accordingly. But this post is longer than I expected and Matt is currently feeling too lazy to read it (screw you, it's Sunday :P). So I apologise for any speeling mistakes/grammatical errors.
I've not been sleeping well recently. I don't know why. If I do fall asleep and I'm unlucky to dream it's always grotesque nightmares I cannot awaken from.
Other than that life is fine, I have nothing really to complain about. Things are ok, not great but not bad either, so-so.
Just patiently waiting for my tea to cool and my world to collapse or rise.
Tomorrow Shawn and Ruth are to be wed.
I wish them happiness here now and tomorrow at the wedding and then forever after.
But perhaps the passion will one day fade as it does with everyone else. Then the romance will die as it cannot live without the passion. Finally the love will die malnourished from lack of passion or romance. People sometimes stay together even then because without each other nothing makes sense, because everything in the world only ever existed for them when they existed together. It's only ever there and it's only ever beautiful when seen through lover's eyes.
A stark view of "love" perhaps. I doubt it holds true to all people and certainly not for Shawn and Ruth, they fit together too well. I half expect them to die at the very same moment once they are in their old age. I'm happy for them and I'm looking forward to being an usher at their wedding.
I know Shawn has been stressing out over the wedding for months, it'll soon be over and he can relax.
As for my living in Bristol, it's been nice. No internet yet which is a tad annoying. Met some lovely strippers though.
I'm going back to Bristol today. Moving the remainder of my stuff into the flat.
No internet at the flat :( So farewell to those I won't get to talk to for a while.
Y'know that nasty feeling you get when you feel like something really bad is going to happen soon or some horrible occurance of bad luck is closing in on you? Well I've been having that feeling for the past few days.
I have been having a bad few days. Nothing major, just lots of little/medium-sized things going wrong.
Friday was Elize's birthday meal and my hair decided it wanted a bad hair day all of a sudden. (Tiny thing really but I wanted to make a good impression on people I hadn't seen for a while).
On the drive back I almost had an accident. (Thanks to my mad driving skillz I survived.)
This morning I was almost late for work and had forgotten my keycard and my knife. (Irratating but not a problem really).
On the drive home my car broke down at a very dangerous location and I had to push it uphill to a safe location and then run 3 miles to get home because this morning I had also forgotten my phone (I say "forgotten" but I actually never take it with me anyway). That's right I had to run 3 miles in the pitch dark after a 12 hour shift of manual labour in which I was on my feet the whole time. (This one really annoyed me but on the plus side I discovered that thanks to my job I'm fitter than perhaps I've ever been).
Looking at this list I've noticed that the occurances of bad luck are getting progressively worse and seeing as how the foreboding feeling is still with me I'm guessing the worst is yet to come.
-sigh- Ok Fates, what's next?
It's hard to be miserable and lonely, it pains me. But what pains me more is watching other people fall into misery. Misery loves company, but I do not. I'd suffer all the pain in the world if it meant that the others would be happy. I don't care about myself and I don't much care about them but at least my suffering would mean something.
Happiness isn't as elusive as people think. It is not a holy grail either. It exists and it's usually staring you right in the face, just have the courage to reach out for it and grab it.
You will not find me practising what I preach. It's lonely down here where my soul rests but at least it's peaceful. You can't hurt me and I can't hear you.
Why do I allow myself to suffer, or oft times force it upon myself? Do I despise myself so much that I gain some sort of satisfaction from sabotaging my own life? Can I be the only one who sees whatever it is in me that I hate so much? Do I truly deserve suffering or do I just think that I do? Do I already deep down know the answer to that question and just won't allow myself to think it even for the briefest moment?
I could have much more than I have allowed myself.
Then I'm back to Bristol. I like the city but I know I'll miss the woods, the riverbank, the fields and my cats once I'm back there.
People I could give or take, but my cats are the only beings who not only think they are better than everyone else but are correct in that assumption.
All dreams serve to do is torture me.
I don't want to sleep anymore.
-sigh- this is ridiculous. Just once I'd like to make a happy blog post. As soon as something good happens to me, I promise I'll post it.
How many circles do you people have to walk in before you realise you've been here before?! How many broken hearts and regrets will you suffer before you realise that the only reason that it keeps happening to you is because of that whole middle ground where you're an idiot!?
Blame the Fates, blame him, blame her, blame me, blame anyone but yourself. Because that's what has always worked for you in the past. I suggest you look in the mirror and see your own failings before you judge others so harshly.
Or perhaps you'll blame yourself too much and self-destruct. Self-loathing isn't the answer either. There's strength in knowing your weaknesses.
Off the subject. This new keyboard is taking some getting used to.
Flowered prose and complex metaphors mean nothing after all.
Perhaps it is time to explain myself in simple terms...
...perhaps not.
"...All the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me, too sharp to put back together. Too small to matter, but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces..."
I never did consider myself a whole.
"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when I get better."
Tonight I went to Glastonbury to see the titled band perform. The lineup is as follows:
Brad- Vocals
Chris- Guitar
Tim Knight- Bass Guitar
Alex Knight- Drums
I do not say the following lightly and I truly mean it when I say it:
Individually each instrument player in that band is an absolute MASTER of their respective instrument. I've never heard or seen (live, recorded or otherwise) a more talented drummer than Alex. Tim's bass playing is really something special. As for Chris he is the most talented guitar player I've ever met.
Fronting the band was Brad on vocals, it's certainly his preference in genre that seems to heavily define the rest of the band. It was very heavy metal almost all the way and Brad very rarely broke crow/shout except for in the 2 songs that required melodic singing (which were both covers).
I enjoyed their music. They played their genre very well. My favourite song of the night was their cover of System of a Down's Suite Pee, they certainly did it justice.
Given that this was only their second gig and also given that they are as I say an immensely talented group of individuals, I'm certain that they can only get better.
A welcome break from the misery that is this week.
...and to dream is to have nightmares.
Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of major psychological defect that prevents me from dreaming anything pleasant.
I'm tired but I know as soon as I go to sleep the nightmares will hound me and tear at me until I force myself awake.
And as the dreams increase in intensity I know there is something wrong. Most likely something I can't (or don't wish to) fix.
I don't want to dream anymore. Not of things that torture me nor of things that scare me.
I'll deal with it alone as I always do. As it should be.
And now for an unassociated contemplation on myself:
For one who accounts the majority of his suffering to lonliness, I'm very quick to shun people and distance myself.
The burlesque lounge/bar named "The Velvet Lounge" below our flat is no more.
Bad times.
It is now a full tabledancing/lapdancing strip club of some sort, classily named "Wildcats". It has velvet curtains and everything.
Good times.
Falling in love is nobody's fault. The heart has a will of it's own, it wants what it wants. You will find that you love whom you love and as touching of a sentiment as that is, oft times it is an agonising curse.
But no, nobody should be angry at you for loving against your will. Nobody should condemn you for feeling what you feel, for caring. From situations such as these only pain and misery can be the outcome, at least for somebody. Most often for the hapless fool whose heart jumps out of his chest and attaches itself to the closest inappropriate person.
Heart: "I want that one"
Fool: "You can't have that one...ever"
Heart: "Too late, I've chosen. It's that person else I destroy myself."
Fool: "But that would hurt"
Heart: "For some reason that doesn't matter as much to me as it does to you."
...
Fool: "ow."
Poor Fool. Circumstance aims to make a mockery of him. My heart goes out to you and those affected by the choices hearts make.
I shall close with one of the few Shakespeare quotes I still know by heart:
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
"It has been ten thousand years Nada...yes. I still love you. But I have not yet forgiven you."
Open with a quote, it's all the rage.
I'm angry right now, maybe I'm not thinking clearly as I've just come off a 12-hour shift at work. All the same I feel angry.
Angry at the realisation that everyone I've ever loved, none of them loved me. (I'm sure my syntax and grammer is bad there).
Out of all of my ex-girlfriends, I don't think any of the ones I fell in love with ever fell for me.
I'm not arrogant enough to believe I can ever know anything about anybody else for certain, but this epiphany seems pretty accurate to me.
I renounce the heart.
So much anger when I wake and nothing but nightmares when I sleep. Today I have no escape.
-sigh-
The new flat is cursed.
Seriously.
Cursed.
That aside I had to come home, there's no internet at the flat yet. Also if I had stayed I'd be the only person living there for a few months. I don't mind living on my own, I'm lonely most of the time anyway, so I might as well cut myself off completely. But I tend to get dangerously depressed if I spend any large amount of time alone with only my thoughts for company. I'd rather avoid that.
The swelling has gone down finally and the pain has returned to an acceptable level.
Just in time, says I. Have to go up to the city tomorrow and move in to the new flat (sort-of move in anyway).
I wanted to live within comfortable walking distance to the city centre. Well we achieved that goal. We couldn't be more central.
Living above a burlesque bar/lounge is going to be interesting. I wonder if we'll go inside it at any point.
I hope more of the pain goes away by tomorrow. That'd be great.
It'll take days to wash the stench of impending death from me.
I hate hospitals.
...every night I call your name,
every night I burn,
every night I fall again.
-sigh-
I can't remember the last dreamless sleep I had.
If it's not the usual nightmares, it's dreams of lost things.
Waking life offers no respite, the agony of illness tears at me.
It's odd how you can dream of someone as if it were that first day.
-sigh-
So far gone and so far away.
...for they ease my pain.
So very very ill. I either have mumps, a bacterial infection or something else. Whatever it is it's very very painful and has caused the right side of my face and neck to swell to an extraordinary level. But hey at least I can have endless fun looking in the mirror and seeing what it'd look like if I put on a lot of weight in just my head.
I look like Jabba the Hutt. Everyday I wake up and not only is the pain worse than the day before, but the swelling has spread and increased. It's even starting to push on my windpipe.
But thank heavens for my painkillers. Mild opiates ftw.
I've done nothing but sleep for 3 days and haven't eaten.
If I die i'm going to be mildly irratated.
Had a falling out with a friend today.
I'm not certain what it was about. All I know is that she was angry with me. I must've done something to upset her, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.
I won't waste my time trying to think of it either.
Riddles are for the jesters from Nightmare. Don't yell them at me and expect me to understand you.
I don't want to understand you, I don't want to understand anyone. I want to be left alone.
In the UK and Ireland, Pot Noodle is a specific brand of cup noodles (ramen-style snack). Its dehydrated mixture consists of wide noodles, textured soya pieces, vegetable and each has a unique dry flavouring. Each pot is also packaged with a sachet of sauce, such as soy sauce. Pot Noodles are packaged in plastic cups, and come in a wide selection of flavours and varieties.
Pot Noodle Advert:
Why I love puns:
As the song goes:
"Safe when nobody is in your heart now..."
I'm not safe from heartache, no matter how alone I keep myself. It hunts me down, old pains, old miseries knock at my door. The demons come for me in my sleep uninvited and make sure that when I wake I'm suddenly very aware of how empty the room is.
Cold and empty.
Then I look within myself for comfort, into my heart. But just like the room it is cold and empty.
The Fates whisper to me when I can't sleep, they say she's out there, that one day I'll find her or she'll find me. Somewhere out there on the edges of dreams and happiness, a place I've never seen, a place I cannot imagine. I'll love again on the other side of despair.
There's a broken man in my mirror that says, "the Fates lie."
To hope then.
"Well you're the kind of person who probably thinks needing people is a weakness."
This was something said to me during a conversation with a friend in which we were discussing a heartbreak she'd recently suffered.
I didn't take issue with this statement as I'm sure people believe this kind of thing about me. I did however correct her. I told her that I don't believe needing people is a weakness. I told her that I need people, just like everyone does.
It's just I keep the people I need wholly seperate from everybody else. There are people I go to to talk about things. Because I both respect them and care greatly for them. It isn't a long list but it's quality that counts, not quantity. The following list is a list of people I regard I need/rely on in my life.
Gareth-
My oldest and closest friend. Granted I don't talk about my personal life with him in any detail but he'd always be there for me if I chose to. Without realising it he'll always take my mind off of anything just be being fun to be with. After almost 17 years of being friends I'm quite comfortable to say that I love Gareth. We're more than friends now, we're brothers.
Summer-
A phonecall from you can cheer a dark mood. You think far too highly of me, and although it's self-absorbed, I need that sometimes. You're a beautiful person, you deserve all the wonderful things that I don't. If I held any sway with the Fates I'd make sure you were happy for the rest of your days. Again, although I don't talk about my personal life with you, I feel I could and you'd listen. I don't purposely hide it from you, If you wish to ask any questions you, of all people, are most welcome to Pretty Lady.
Jolynn-
I'm sorry but you're the person I picked out of everyone to talk to about my problems. Sorry I've given you that burden. I'm a terribly uninteresting person, I know. You can see through me at times and I welcome that. And I'm certainly not afraid of that harsh tongue of yours, in fact I'm quite fond of it. All I need from you is an ear and an honest opinion and you're always happy to lend me both, for that I thank you. Heaven knows why you put up with me Boss Lady.
Jordynn-
Less innocent every time we talk, I hope my influence didn't have too bad an effect on you ;). You and I don't talk as much as we used to or should anymore. But I do feel some manner of connection or link to you if that makes sense. I'm always pleased when I think of the world with people like you in it, brings a smile to my face. And you too are always happy to listen to me when I'm down, you've always been so lovely to me. You'll make someone very happy one day. But there's one thing you must do for me; get on MSN more! If you ever need me, for anything at all, I'm here for you Special One.
So that concludes the list of people in my life that I feel I need/rely on more than anyone else. I'm sure you'll notice that 3 out of 4 I met through Society of Sound back in the day. It's odd how little things like becoming an internet radio DJ can have such a profound effect on your life.
Disclaimer: There are a few obvious additions to the list I have not included for example; my cat, my mother etc. Mainly because I don't talk to them much about anything. My cat doesn't really care about anybody except himself anyway.
Haven't had a large amount of time to blog recently, what with the onset of exams and personal issues. Personal issues involving my own demons and a few particularly stubborn individuals.
I'm going home this weekend, my mother was kind enough to book me an eyetest upon my request. My eyes aren't that bad, but sometimes it seems my eyesight has gotten worse. The eyetest is simply a precaution, given that I haven't had one for years.
It'll be good to see my cat this weekend, I do miss him. Stupid furball that he is.
Depression still no better, but then why would it be? The root causes of such things will always be with me, hounding me and tearing at me. But we cannot choose our emotions, we can only live with them.
Though between you and me, I do enjoy being a miserable git at times. :P
"Being miserable doesn't make you better than everyone else, it just makes you miserable."
For a while I almost felt again, but it was different, like feeling something across a great distance.
Close up all it seems to be is a broken feeling and a lacking moment. And all I can feel is that brokeness.
Some people just can't be fixed.
To fall so far and learn nothing, that is my failing and it rests with me and me alone. The burden is mine. And you may think me made of stone, but I am not afraid to cry at what I see when I look within myself. I have nothing to fear in there.
As for outside of myself, I don't think there is anything left to fear.
What a man experiences, whether he takes his lessons or not, all comes to nothing anyway. I may as well cut out the time and live as nothing just as I'll die as nothing.
Though sometimes I lie awake at night wishing I had someone to talk to, to hold, to make me feel more than empty, to make me feel worthwhile, needed, loved.
But men are often defeated by their dreams. When all hope is departed, what is left?
(I apologise, I'm cryptic and talk in riddles when I'm depressed. Don't try to understand if you don't.)
"...Hate me, but do it honestly."
I don't mind being disliked, I can handle being hated, I can even handle the dishonesty that people put on. Commonly referred to as two-facedness. I don't care for this term as most, if not everyone, is "two-faced". When we pretend to be grateful for that jumper Grandmother knitted at christmas, even though we have plenty of jumpers and would rather not walk around in something that looked like she found it lying in a puddle in Steptoe's yard. We fake our gratitude and put on a happy face. That is "two-facedness", we do it more than we realise.
People do it to protect another person's feelings. We're nice to the people we dislike so as not to hurt them and also because it's easier and more fun. And why not? There's no reason not to be polite and nice to people just because we don't like them as people. You're not going to get on with everybody, nor should you try to. And not everybody is going to like you. It's a fact of life.
But honestly we don't owe anybody (other than our own children) anything. I'm honest about my hatred for humanity. I have no problem with being rude to the increasing number of morons I find myself surrounded by. And if you ask me the following question; "You don't like me do you?" don't expect anything less than the truth.
If you ask, I answer. You deserve that much, even if you are a moron.
When I give you the answer don't suddenly feel the need to reciprocate my feelings towards you. Pretending to hate me just because I said I didn't like you isn't honest behaviour. I gave you honesty, I'd hope for the same courtesy from you. The very fact you asked if I liked you suggests that you want me too. And sometimes people are so very transparent. It takes more than a day to hate someone. You're welcome to hate me, hate is honest. Just give it time my dear.
Today was a day of contemplation and rest. Given that it was Sunday there was little I could do in terms of activity, short of pacing up and down my room (which is incidently something I did a lot of today).
Today I had time to reflect on the developments of the past week. Mainly about the letter I received on the Tuesday. Love letters are not something I am prone to receiving often, hatemail I get a lot of, but it's a cold day in hell when I recieve a love letter. It was a welcome epistle. (Not that it was overly formal, I just like the word "epistle").
I knew it was coming, I knew to expect it, I even knew what it would say. It was long, 11 pages in all but I was happy to read it. Nothing like a love letter to lift your spirits and it did for a while. Then I started to realise that it highlighted with greater urgency the problem I'd been mulling over for a long while.
This person shouldn't be in love with me, further more I shouldn't encourage such behaviour in her. And whatever the outcome, she is going to hurt.
Me and her have been friends since late 2004/early 2005. It was in 2005 that she declared that she was in love with me. At the time however my heart belonged elsewhere. I never expected her to harbour feelings this long for me. Just before christmas 2006 we started to communicate more regularly again. It soon became apparant that not only did she still have feelings for me but that she had been dwelling on them all this time.
For me it highlights that she's so discontent with her husband and her life that she's taken to fantasizing about a man she can never have. That way she can never be let down. Our dreams and illusions of hope can never destroy us if we never think or dare to reach for them.
I encourage her hope. I tell her she is a wonderful person (because she is), I tell her that she deserves happiness (because she does), I tell her that I care about her (because I do), I let her come to me for comfort and conversation (because I like it and she deserves no less from me).
Never once has she asked me if I could ever love her or if we could ever be together. She fears too much the answer. Or perhaps it's the reality she fears, for I am no match for what she's built me up in her mind and heart to be. I signify to her all the things she longs for.
But I am so far away and it would take great effort and courage on her part to reach me.
And what if she were to leave her husband, to cross the oceans, to come and find me? What would happen then? Would I welcome her with open arms (of course), would I love her as she wishes (I do not know), would I give her everything she wants and everything I know she deserves (unlikely).
So many hearts to control, so much potential hurt. The situation, it is not my fault, we cannot help who falls in love with us. It is not her fault either, we cannot help who we fall in love with. However I can attempt to end this, I could hurt her, play the part of the cad, try to make her hate me. It may even drive her into the arms of her husband for comfort, though it's unlikely. Her grievances with him began long before the two of us met.
Best not to be the irresponsible and tragic hero if one can avoid it.
I want to vent truthful thoughts and honest occurance. I wish to, in some small regard, express emotions that I happen to be feeling. These are the things I want to do in this blog.
How do I do these things if I know that certain truths would cause great pain in others? Others I care a great deal for.
The point of the blog was to be honest and open, so in that regard perhaps I shouldn't hold back. But the intention was never to cause suffering to others who might read this.
However if I do care about them as I claim to, don't they deserve the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Or perhaps I should wait until they ask for it before I go on to say something that might hurt them here in circumstances somewhat more public than they probably desire.
It's a battle between the point of starting this blog and the consequences of it.
It is no matter, I know which side will win. I'll vent in due course.
Right now though I wish to offer my congratulations to Serbia for winning the Eurovision Song Contest. You were up against the worst of Europian music and you managed to prove that you are the best of the bad. Well Done.
The U.K. came penultimate, only Ireland were considered worse. Malta saw fit to take pity on us by giving us the maximum 12 points though. I pity Malta's taste in music.
I wish I could say that I find myself reaching an interesting point in my life, but honestly I don't think I've ever found any part of my life to be interesting at the time. When I look back I realise that actually whatever it was that I was doing or wherever I was at the time, was actually quite interesting. And it probably would've been more enjoyable if I had not been moaning at the time about how disinterested I was in whatever or wherever it was.
Now is no different. I find myself in a rather predictable place. Even though 2 years ago I had planned for my life the exact opposite of being here, I always knew that one day I would be.
Because I know myself.
I know myself well enough to know my limits and failings and where they will inevitably lead me.
And here I find myself at university surrounded by all the varying types of people that make up life's great tapestry of youth. I hate them. Most of them anyway. But my misanthropic nature is not something I wish to discuss here. Any opinions of people I have are probably not worth having judging the source of them.
I've been here since September. Academically it remains to be seen whether or not I'll actually achieve anything. Socially I have achieved very little. Not that I have tried. I'm not saying my social achievement (or lack of) is a bad thing or a good thing, or whether or not I mind it. I'm simply stating the fact that I have achieved very little in that regard.
I have made some friends. Here I use that word loosely though I do not like to. I know that I would happily be there for these people if they needed or wanted me. However I cannot judge whether they would do the same for me, that is for them to say, never I. Thus the loose usage of the word "friends".
Further than friendships social progress has been, here at university, slow.
And so begins the inevitable complaint of a blogger about lonliness and matters of the heart. I shan't avoid this as humans are made of their hearts whether they are broken, bruised, healthy or made of stone.
I am lonely, yes. Extremely lonely. But that isn't your concern, nor should it be. Somewhere down the line I've gotten used to being alone. Doesn't mean in any way that I like it, just that I know it like an old friend. A very ugly friend who hangs around far too much, but a friend none the less.
I don't have to be lonely. There are those that would chase that away.
Prostitutes mainly.
But there are a few others. I'm sure I'll mention them somewhere down the line. Thinking on it, I've been very fortunate with the affections of others. There have been many who've come and gone. But only a few times did I wish for them to stay. I'm not that man anymore, mostly because I don't wish to be. When someone is in love with you it gives you a great power over them. You could crush them in an instant, or lift them up to the sky. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that a little. Nothing like having someone in love with you to make you feel good about yourself either.
On that score I do have a few particulars to note. However those would be for later posts, as I've gone on for long enough here about nothing of consequence.
Until next post.
So this marks the first official post on my new blog. I'm not one who is used to speaking (or writing) for any length on the subject of myself or my life, I tend to avoid it as best I can. My closed off nature appears to lead many to believe that I'm an interesting person, I can assure you dear reader that this is far from the case.
So why keep a blog/journal? If I'm so mind-numbingly boring and so detest discussing myself, why write upon that very subject?
The answer is simple; vanity.
My own vanity drives me to keep a record of my own life. So that I can read it and judge myself accordingly, or have others judge me should I wish to share this blog with them.
The conclusion would be the same: I am not a very nice person.
I ask one favour of those that read this though: If I know you (i.e. we have met, are friends etc) please do not talk to me about anything you may read here. I do not fear your judgement, nor your remarks, I just do not wish to discuss my life with you. If you wish to say something, feel free to leave a comment, email me a question etc. It's just a personal thing, if it's written in here then it probably means I don't want it to be brought up. If it appears frivilous (for example if I were to go on a rant about a film I've seen) then feel free to bring it up with me in person. But otherwise further than reading this blog, my business, my life, is not yours. It's my choice to bring it up in conversation, not yours.
Told you I wasn't a very nice person.
