Here's to hope

Looks like it has been a while since my last update, almost 2 months in fact. I only tend to post when something motivates me to do so, for example if someone tells me to or if I'm suffering from any particularly strong emotions. Most of the time my motivation for writing in this blog comes from a negative place, it's not often happy or upbeat but hey that's the way I live my life.

Today I'm feeling rather optimistic about things, about life, and that's a very rare and unusual occurance for me. A few good things have happened to me recently, not a large number when I sit down and count them out on my fingers but all the same they're significant and I'm thankful for them.

Certain aspects of my life seem on track. Some parts of myself I'd forgotten have woken up and come back to me. I don't know if the nice things that've happened recently are just the product of fate or luck or whatever but I'd like to think I've had some imput in making them happen. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause and perhaps there is something to me afterall. Perhaps the biggest thing to realise is that maybe, just maybe, if I try once in a while I won't fail, I'll succeed.

"EAT MUFFIN!!!!"

So the guy that works at my favourite sandwich shop gave me a free muffin today in case the sandwich I had bought was too spicy for me.

And it was.

Thank the Fates for free muffins.

It was a nice sandwich though.

I caught sight of my reflection...

...I caught it in the window.
I saw the darkness in my heart.
I saw the signs of my undoing,
they had been there from the start.


A long while ago I set off down a path and started to become something I thought I wanted to be. I've travelled down this road so far I don't think it's possible to turn back. I've finally become the person I set out to be.

But now that I've reached my destination I realise that I don't want to be here. I don't want to be the man I've become. All this path will bring me is misery and lonliness and yet I knew that when I set out on the journey. I guess I was so in love with this narcissistic image of myself as the "loner" that I was willing to sacrifice everything. Now I have, congratulations Row, well done.

This isn't the post I promised, that "life update" is yet to come. It seems pointless now, to descibe my life would sink the final nail into the coffin of hope. I need to remember who I was but there's no one left to remind me, I doubt there's anyone left who even remembers.

Did I have a heart?

And if we break before the dawn...

...we'll use up what we used to be.

Never did get over it did you Matthew?



...her*...


Ah but you wouldn't be you without being pathetic. Just take another painkiller and roll over Matt. Sleep forever.