Part the Fourth

Today was a day of contemplation and rest. Given that it was Sunday there was little I could do in terms of activity, short of pacing up and down my room (which is incidently something I did a lot of today).

Today I had time to reflect on the developments of the past week. Mainly about the letter I received on the Tuesday. Love letters are not something I am prone to receiving often, hatemail I get a lot of, but it's a cold day in hell when I recieve a love letter. It was a welcome epistle. (Not that it was overly formal, I just like the word "epistle").

I knew it was coming, I knew to expect it, I even knew what it would say. It was long, 11 pages in all but I was happy to read it. Nothing like a love letter to lift your spirits and it did for a while. Then I started to realise that it highlighted with greater urgency the problem I'd been mulling over for a long while.

This person shouldn't be in love with me, further more I shouldn't encourage such behaviour in her. And whatever the outcome, she is going to hurt.

Me and her have been friends since late 2004/early 2005. It was in 2005 that she declared that she was in love with me. At the time however my heart belonged elsewhere. I never expected her to harbour feelings this long for me. Just before christmas 2006 we started to communicate more regularly again. It soon became apparant that not only did she still have feelings for me but that she had been dwelling on them all this time.

For me it highlights that she's so discontent with her husband and her life that she's taken to fantasizing about a man she can never have. That way she can never be let down. Our dreams and illusions of hope can never destroy us if we never think or dare to reach for them.

I encourage her hope. I tell her she is a wonderful person (because she is), I tell her that she deserves happiness (because she does), I tell her that I care about her (because I do), I let her come to me for comfort and conversation (because I like it and she deserves no less from me).

Never once has she asked me if I could ever love her or if we could ever be together. She fears too much the answer. Or perhaps it's the reality she fears, for I am no match for what she's built me up in her mind and heart to be. I signify to her all the things she longs for.

But I am so far away and it would take great effort and courage on her part to reach me.

And what if she were to leave her husband, to cross the oceans, to come and find me? What would happen then? Would I welcome her with open arms (of course), would I love her as she wishes (I do not know), would I give her everything she wants and everything I know she deserves (unlikely).

So many hearts to control, so much potential hurt. The situation, it is not my fault, we cannot help who falls in love with us. It is not her fault either, we cannot help who we fall in love with. However I can attempt to end this, I could hurt her, play the part of the cad, try to make her hate me. It may even drive her into the arms of her husband for comfort, though it's unlikely. Her grievances with him began long before the two of us met.

Best not to be the irresponsible and tragic hero if one can avoid it.