Safe

As the song goes:

"Safe when nobody is in your heart now..."

I'm not safe from heartache, no matter how alone I keep myself. It hunts me down, old pains, old miseries knock at my door. The demons come for me in my sleep uninvited and make sure that when I wake I'm suddenly very aware of how empty the room is.

Cold and empty.

Then I look within myself for comfort, into my heart. But just like the room it is cold and empty.

The Fates whisper to me when I can't sleep, they say she's out there, that one day I'll find her or she'll find me. Somewhere out there on the edges of dreams and happiness, a place I've never seen, a place I cannot imagine. I'll love again on the other side of despair.

There's a broken man in my mirror that says, "the Fates lie."

To hope then.

The Needing.

"Well you're the kind of person who probably thinks needing people is a weakness."

This was something said to me during a conversation with a friend in which we were discussing a heartbreak she'd recently suffered.

I didn't take issue with this statement as I'm sure people believe this kind of thing about me. I did however correct her. I told her that I don't believe needing people is a weakness. I told her that I need people, just like everyone does.

It's just I keep the people I need wholly seperate from everybody else. There are people I go to to talk about things. Because I both respect them and care greatly for them. It isn't a long list but it's quality that counts, not quantity. The following list is a list of people I regard I need/rely on in my life.

Gareth-
My oldest and closest friend. Granted I don't talk about my personal life with him in any detail but he'd always be there for me if I chose to. Without realising it he'll always take my mind off of anything just be being fun to be with. After almost 17 years of being friends I'm quite comfortable to say that I love Gareth. We're more than friends now, we're brothers.

Summer-
A phonecall from you can cheer a dark mood. You think far too highly of me, and although it's self-absorbed, I need that sometimes. You're a beautiful person, you deserve all the wonderful things that I don't. If I held any sway with the Fates I'd make sure you were happy for the rest of your days. Again, although I don't talk about my personal life with you, I feel I could and you'd listen. I don't purposely hide it from you, If you wish to ask any questions you, of all people, are most welcome to Pretty Lady.

Jolynn-
I'm sorry but you're the person I picked out of everyone to talk to about my problems. Sorry I've given you that burden. I'm a terribly uninteresting person, I know. You can see through me at times and I welcome that. And I'm certainly not afraid of that harsh tongue of yours, in fact I'm quite fond of it. All I need from you is an ear and an honest opinion and you're always happy to lend me both, for that I thank you. Heaven knows why you put up with me Boss Lady.

Jordynn-
Less innocent every time we talk, I hope my influence didn't have too bad an effect on you ;). You and I don't talk as much as we used to or should anymore. But I do feel some manner of connection or link to you if that makes sense. I'm always pleased when I think of the world with people like you in it, brings a smile to my face. And you too are always happy to listen to me when I'm down, you've always been so lovely to me. You'll make someone very happy one day. But there's one thing you must do for me; get on MSN more! If you ever need me, for anything at all, I'm here for you Special One.


So that concludes the list of people in my life that I feel I need/rely on more than anyone else. I'm sure you'll notice that 3 out of 4 I met through Society of Sound back in the day. It's odd how little things like becoming an internet radio DJ can have such a profound effect on your life.




Disclaimer: There are a few obvious additions to the list I have not included for example; my cat, my mother etc. Mainly because I don't talk to them much about anything. My cat doesn't really care about anybody except himself anyway.

Less to say, more to do.

Haven't had a large amount of time to blog recently, what with the onset of exams and personal issues. Personal issues involving my own demons and a few particularly stubborn individuals.

I'm going home this weekend, my mother was kind enough to book me an eyetest upon my request. My eyes aren't that bad, but sometimes it seems my eyesight has gotten worse. The eyetest is simply a precaution, given that I haven't had one for years.

It'll be good to see my cat this weekend, I do miss him. Stupid furball that he is.

Depression still no better, but then why would it be? The root causes of such things will always be with me, hounding me and tearing at me. But we cannot choose our emotions, we can only live with them.

Though between you and me, I do enjoy being a miserable git at times. :P

Hollow

"Being miserable doesn't make you better than everyone else, it just makes you miserable."

For a while I almost felt again, but it was different, like feeling something across a great distance.

Close up all it seems to be is a broken feeling and a lacking moment. And all I can feel is that brokeness.

Some people just can't be fixed.

To fall so far and learn nothing, that is my failing and it rests with me and me alone. The burden is mine. And you may think me made of stone, but I am not afraid to cry at what I see when I look within myself. I have nothing to fear in there.

As for outside of myself, I don't think there is anything left to fear.

What a man experiences, whether he takes his lessons or not, all comes to nothing anyway. I may as well cut out the time and live as nothing just as I'll die as nothing.

Though sometimes I lie awake at night wishing I had someone to talk to, to hold, to make me feel more than empty, to make me feel worthwhile, needed, loved.

But men are often defeated by their dreams. When all hope is departed, what is left?


(I apologise, I'm cryptic and talk in riddles when I'm depressed. Don't try to understand if you don't.)

"There's no shame in it, at least it's honest..."

"...Hate me, but do it honestly."

I don't mind being disliked, I can handle being hated, I can even handle the dishonesty that people put on. Commonly referred to as two-facedness. I don't care for this term as most, if not everyone, is "two-faced". When we pretend to be grateful for that jumper Grandmother knitted at christmas, even though we have plenty of jumpers and would rather not walk around in something that looked like she found it lying in a puddle in Steptoe's yard. We fake our gratitude and put on a happy face. That is "two-facedness", we do it more than we realise.

People do it to protect another person's feelings. We're nice to the people we dislike so as not to hurt them and also because it's easier and more fun. And why not? There's no reason not to be polite and nice to people just because we don't like them as people. You're not going to get on with everybody, nor should you try to. And not everybody is going to like you. It's a fact of life.

But honestly we don't owe anybody (other than our own children) anything. I'm honest about my hatred for humanity. I have no problem with being rude to the increasing number of morons I find myself surrounded by. And if you ask me the following question; "You don't like me do you?" don't expect anything less than the truth.

If you ask, I answer. You deserve that much, even if you are a moron.

When I give you the answer don't suddenly feel the need to reciprocate my feelings towards you. Pretending to hate me just because I said I didn't like you isn't honest behaviour. I gave you honesty, I'd hope for the same courtesy from you. The very fact you asked if I liked you suggests that you want me too. And sometimes people are so very transparent. It takes more than a day to hate someone. You're welcome to hate me, hate is honest. Just give it time my dear.

Part the Fourth

Today was a day of contemplation and rest. Given that it was Sunday there was little I could do in terms of activity, short of pacing up and down my room (which is incidently something I did a lot of today).

Today I had time to reflect on the developments of the past week. Mainly about the letter I received on the Tuesday. Love letters are not something I am prone to receiving often, hatemail I get a lot of, but it's a cold day in hell when I recieve a love letter. It was a welcome epistle. (Not that it was overly formal, I just like the word "epistle").

I knew it was coming, I knew to expect it, I even knew what it would say. It was long, 11 pages in all but I was happy to read it. Nothing like a love letter to lift your spirits and it did for a while. Then I started to realise that it highlighted with greater urgency the problem I'd been mulling over for a long while.

This person shouldn't be in love with me, further more I shouldn't encourage such behaviour in her. And whatever the outcome, she is going to hurt.

Me and her have been friends since late 2004/early 2005. It was in 2005 that she declared that she was in love with me. At the time however my heart belonged elsewhere. I never expected her to harbour feelings this long for me. Just before christmas 2006 we started to communicate more regularly again. It soon became apparant that not only did she still have feelings for me but that she had been dwelling on them all this time.

For me it highlights that she's so discontent with her husband and her life that she's taken to fantasizing about a man she can never have. That way she can never be let down. Our dreams and illusions of hope can never destroy us if we never think or dare to reach for them.

I encourage her hope. I tell her she is a wonderful person (because she is), I tell her that she deserves happiness (because she does), I tell her that I care about her (because I do), I let her come to me for comfort and conversation (because I like it and she deserves no less from me).

Never once has she asked me if I could ever love her or if we could ever be together. She fears too much the answer. Or perhaps it's the reality she fears, for I am no match for what she's built me up in her mind and heart to be. I signify to her all the things she longs for.

But I am so far away and it would take great effort and courage on her part to reach me.

And what if she were to leave her husband, to cross the oceans, to come and find me? What would happen then? Would I welcome her with open arms (of course), would I love her as she wishes (I do not know), would I give her everything she wants and everything I know she deserves (unlikely).

So many hearts to control, so much potential hurt. The situation, it is not my fault, we cannot help who falls in love with us. It is not her fault either, we cannot help who we fall in love with. However I can attempt to end this, I could hurt her, play the part of the cad, try to make her hate me. It may even drive her into the arms of her husband for comfort, though it's unlikely. Her grievances with him began long before the two of us met.

Best not to be the irresponsible and tragic hero if one can avoid it.

Chapter 3- In which our hero forgets the point

I want to vent truthful thoughts and honest occurance. I wish to, in some small regard, express emotions that I happen to be feeling. These are the things I want to do in this blog.

How do I do these things if I know that certain truths would cause great pain in others? Others I care a great deal for.

The point of the blog was to be honest and open, so in that regard perhaps I shouldn't hold back. But the intention was never to cause suffering to others who might read this.

However if I do care about them as I claim to, don't they deserve the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Or perhaps I should wait until they ask for it before I go on to say something that might hurt them here in circumstances somewhat more public than they probably desire.

It's a battle between the point of starting this blog and the consequences of it.

It is no matter, I know which side will win. I'll vent in due course.

Right now though I wish to offer my congratulations to Serbia for winning the Eurovision Song Contest. You were up against the worst of Europian music and you managed to prove that you are the best of the bad. Well Done.

The U.K. came penultimate, only Ireland were considered worse. Malta saw fit to take pity on us by giving us the maximum 12 points though. I pity Malta's taste in music.

To describe a circumstance

I wish I could say that I find myself reaching an interesting point in my life, but honestly I don't think I've ever found any part of my life to be interesting at the time. When I look back I realise that actually whatever it was that I was doing or wherever I was at the time, was actually quite interesting. And it probably would've been more enjoyable if I had not been moaning at the time about how disinterested I was in whatever or wherever it was.

Now is no different. I find myself in a rather predictable place. Even though 2 years ago I had planned for my life the exact opposite of being here, I always knew that one day I would be.

Because I know myself.

I know myself well enough to know my limits and failings and where they will inevitably lead me.

And here I find myself at university surrounded by all the varying types of people that make up life's great tapestry of youth. I hate them. Most of them anyway. But my misanthropic nature is not something I wish to discuss here. Any opinions of people I have are probably not worth having judging the source of them.

I've been here since September. Academically it remains to be seen whether or not I'll actually achieve anything. Socially I have achieved very little. Not that I have tried. I'm not saying my social achievement (or lack of) is a bad thing or a good thing, or whether or not I mind it. I'm simply stating the fact that I have achieved very little in that regard.

I have made some friends. Here I use that word loosely though I do not like to. I know that I would happily be there for these people if they needed or wanted me. However I cannot judge whether they would do the same for me, that is for them to say, never I. Thus the loose usage of the word "friends".

Further than friendships social progress has been, here at university, slow.

And so begins the inevitable complaint of a blogger about lonliness and matters of the heart. I shan't avoid this as humans are made of their hearts whether they are broken, bruised, healthy or made of stone.

I am lonely, yes. Extremely lonely. But that isn't your concern, nor should it be. Somewhere down the line I've gotten used to being alone. Doesn't mean in any way that I like it, just that I know it like an old friend. A very ugly friend who hangs around far too much, but a friend none the less.

I don't have to be lonely. There are those that would chase that away.

Prostitutes mainly.

But there are a few others. I'm sure I'll mention them somewhere down the line. Thinking on it, I've been very fortunate with the affections of others. There have been many who've come and gone. But only a few times did I wish for them to stay. I'm not that man anymore, mostly because I don't wish to be. When someone is in love with you it gives you a great power over them. You could crush them in an instant, or lift them up to the sky. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that a little. Nothing like having someone in love with you to make you feel good about yourself either.

On that score I do have a few particulars to note. However those would be for later posts, as I've gone on for long enough here about nothing of consequence.

Until next post.

The start of something new

So this marks the first official post on my new blog. I'm not one who is used to speaking (or writing) for any length on the subject of myself or my life, I tend to avoid it as best I can. My closed off nature appears to lead many to believe that I'm an interesting person, I can assure you dear reader that this is far from the case.

So why keep a blog/journal? If I'm so mind-numbingly boring and so detest discussing myself, why write upon that very subject?

The answer is simple; vanity.

My own vanity drives me to keep a record of my own life. So that I can read it and judge myself accordingly, or have others judge me should I wish to share this blog with them.

The conclusion would be the same: I am not a very nice person.

I ask one favour of those that read this though: If I know you (i.e. we have met, are friends etc) please do not talk to me about anything you may read here. I do not fear your judgement, nor your remarks, I just do not wish to discuss my life with you. If you wish to say something, feel free to leave a comment, email me a question etc. It's just a personal thing, if it's written in here then it probably means I don't want it to be brought up. If it appears frivilous (for example if I were to go on a rant about a film I've seen) then feel free to bring it up with me in person. But otherwise further than reading this blog, my business, my life, is not yours. It's my choice to bring it up in conversation, not yours.

Told you I wasn't a very nice person.