I finally gave in.
After 6 months I've ordered another copy of When Harry Met Sally. Wherever my first copy went I've given up finding it. I think I must've lent it to someone, possibly a girl I liked. Luckily for me it's on special offer at the moment meaning I'm only £5 out of pocket, but still, it's the principle of the thing.
Anyway from things I like to things I don't...
Found out recently (although I've suspected for a while, I'm not THAT dense) that a couple of new people are romantically interested in me. For anybody else that'd be good news, not for Matt. It puts me somewhat in conflict with myself. I can split the two differing halves of my personality into Matt and Row.
Matt hates himself, he loathes everything he is. Matt thinks he knows that he's unattractive. Matt doesn't notice when women look at him. He thinks people are stupid and mostly liars. He goes to sleep every night alone hoping that he won't wake up again only to be plagued with nightmares. He wants companionship and love more than anything but he doesn't believe he deserves it. He's quiet and insecure in social situations and hates attention. He believes that he doesn't deserve happiness so much that he'll sabotage anything that comes close to it and shun human/social company just to sit in his room alone wondering why the world has forsaken him. When the truth is it isn't the world that's turned it's back on him, it's himself. He resents anything that could make him happy and anything good in his life.
Matt is an idiot, he knows it but does nothing about it. And Matt hates, or perhaps envies and resents, Row.
Row loves himself, he thinks he's a genuinely good guy, one of the few. Row knows he's good looking, he notices when girls look at him with interest. He enjoys the company of people or simply observing them. He goes to sleep every night alone hoping that he'll sleep peacefully although he never does. He too wants companionship and love more than anything but unlike Matt, Row believes that he does deserve it. He's confident, witty and charming in social situations and likes the attention. Row has managed to win over the hearts of more than a few women. Row knows that in many aspects of his life he's a lucky guy and appreciates all he has.
Row is clever and he knows it, but he's modest and would never say so to anybody (personal blog excluded). Row doesn't hate Matt, he pities him.
So there we have it, or rather, me. A rather simplistic view of me anyway. Most of the time Matt is the stronger half. I've tried to reconcile the two, I truly have. I used to be more Row than Matt, but things happen and times change. I know deep down that I want to be nothing but Row, but I just don't know how. Recently however I kinda feel like Row is fighting a bit harder against Matt, it's just a small difference but maybe, just maybe, he'll win. Though I doubt it.
So when people tell me that they are romantically interested in me, I conflict within myself, unable to tell what it is I want or how I truly feel, I don't think I could get romantically attached to someone at the moment anyway.
Oh and just to make it clear I wasn't talking about split personalities here, this was just an analogy/metaphor. Split personality would be a nasty condition to have and the medicine would taste awful :P .
EDIT: Ok usually once I've made an entry I post it then proof-read it for mistakes then edit accordingly. But this post is longer than I expected and Matt is currently feeling too lazy to read it (screw you, it's Sunday :P). So I apologise for any speeling mistakes/grammatical errors.
