To describe a circumstance

I wish I could say that I find myself reaching an interesting point in my life, but honestly I don't think I've ever found any part of my life to be interesting at the time. When I look back I realise that actually whatever it was that I was doing or wherever I was at the time, was actually quite interesting. And it probably would've been more enjoyable if I had not been moaning at the time about how disinterested I was in whatever or wherever it was.

Now is no different. I find myself in a rather predictable place. Even though 2 years ago I had planned for my life the exact opposite of being here, I always knew that one day I would be.

Because I know myself.

I know myself well enough to know my limits and failings and where they will inevitably lead me.

And here I find myself at university surrounded by all the varying types of people that make up life's great tapestry of youth. I hate them. Most of them anyway. But my misanthropic nature is not something I wish to discuss here. Any opinions of people I have are probably not worth having judging the source of them.

I've been here since September. Academically it remains to be seen whether or not I'll actually achieve anything. Socially I have achieved very little. Not that I have tried. I'm not saying my social achievement (or lack of) is a bad thing or a good thing, or whether or not I mind it. I'm simply stating the fact that I have achieved very little in that regard.

I have made some friends. Here I use that word loosely though I do not like to. I know that I would happily be there for these people if they needed or wanted me. However I cannot judge whether they would do the same for me, that is for them to say, never I. Thus the loose usage of the word "friends".

Further than friendships social progress has been, here at university, slow.

And so begins the inevitable complaint of a blogger about lonliness and matters of the heart. I shan't avoid this as humans are made of their hearts whether they are broken, bruised, healthy or made of stone.

I am lonely, yes. Extremely lonely. But that isn't your concern, nor should it be. Somewhere down the line I've gotten used to being alone. Doesn't mean in any way that I like it, just that I know it like an old friend. A very ugly friend who hangs around far too much, but a friend none the less.

I don't have to be lonely. There are those that would chase that away.

Prostitutes mainly.

But there are a few others. I'm sure I'll mention them somewhere down the line. Thinking on it, I've been very fortunate with the affections of others. There have been many who've come and gone. But only a few times did I wish for them to stay. I'm not that man anymore, mostly because I don't wish to be. When someone is in love with you it gives you a great power over them. You could crush them in an instant, or lift them up to the sky. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that a little. Nothing like having someone in love with you to make you feel good about yourself either.

On that score I do have a few particulars to note. However those would be for later posts, as I've gone on for long enough here about nothing of consequence.

Until next post.