Desire

Life is a complicated thing, it's difficult to know sometimes what it is that I want. When I dig deep I find the answers and then I go back to ignoring them. I hide from my own desires even though I'm aware of them, I keep them just out of reach on the edge of my perception always.

When it comes down to it I guess I'm just scared of what I want. And so I come to the core of the matter and I find that a large part of me must like being miserable or alone (most of the time, both).

I guess we dilly and dally on the wayside for most of our lives, ignoring what it is we truly want. Then by the time we finally realise, or at least admit the truth to ourselves of what we want, it's usually either too late or we're too old to get it.

I suppose it's never easy to finally abandon that fear of chasing our dreams or desires.

Urgh!

I'm ill and I feel awful, it sucks -nods-.

Had a cough for a while now but just today other things have turned up. My head feels like it's on fire from the inside and the less said about my lungs the better.

Perhaps this is just punishment for my actions on Friday night. In which case I deserve worse than this.

This illness had better pass by wednesday for Indiana Jones.

Alone

I'm unhappy.

No surprise there, I'm a manic depressive so periods of extreme depression are expected. I've grown used to them in a way. All the same though, I am unhappy.

I'm unhappy because I desire things that I can never have. Or rather things I feel like I could never have. I don't feel good enough, I never feel good enough.

To quote a book I read recently:

"You've been unhappy because you've desired things that cannot be."

"That's what desire is, the need for what we can't have. The need for what's readily available is called greed."

I put up a series of fronts to the people who know me. I'm open with no-one, honest with no-one, truly myself at no time. I always thought that one day I'd meet someone, fall in love, and share my true self completely, show them every facet of my personality and not just the one. I long for that closeness with someone, I always have. I lie in bed at night just wishing for someone to talk to, especially when I'm upset or troubled or depressed as I often am.

I have no illusions about what love is but I know what it does to me. I'd give anything for that.

But it's futile. Where would I meet anyone who would meet my standards?! And even If I did (and I have a few times) there isn't a force on Earth that could make them look at me twice! I've not got either the looks or personality to attract anyone I'd want.

-sigh- I wish I felt good enough. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I was genuinely close to. I've kept everyone at such a distance to protect myself that I find myself quite alone. The only people I ever did start to open up to only ended up hurting me. I thought I'd learnt a lesson, perhaps I've just learnt a weakness.

And now I fear it's too late.

Fates

For the longest time I seem to have been having a competition with the Fates to see who can make a better mess of my life, me or them.

The score currently, as of today, stands as follows:

Matt - 6

Fates - 4


Hollow victory so far :P