Alone

I'm unhappy.

No surprise there, I'm a manic depressive so periods of extreme depression are expected. I've grown used to them in a way. All the same though, I am unhappy.

I'm unhappy because I desire things that I can never have. Or rather things I feel like I could never have. I don't feel good enough, I never feel good enough.

To quote a book I read recently:

"You've been unhappy because you've desired things that cannot be."

"That's what desire is, the need for what we can't have. The need for what's readily available is called greed."

I put up a series of fronts to the people who know me. I'm open with no-one, honest with no-one, truly myself at no time. I always thought that one day I'd meet someone, fall in love, and share my true self completely, show them every facet of my personality and not just the one. I long for that closeness with someone, I always have. I lie in bed at night just wishing for someone to talk to, especially when I'm upset or troubled or depressed as I often am.

I have no illusions about what love is but I know what it does to me. I'd give anything for that.

But it's futile. Where would I meet anyone who would meet my standards?! And even If I did (and I have a few times) there isn't a force on Earth that could make them look at me twice! I've not got either the looks or personality to attract anyone I'd want.

-sigh- I wish I felt good enough. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I was genuinely close to. I've kept everyone at such a distance to protect myself that I find myself quite alone. The only people I ever did start to open up to only ended up hurting me. I thought I'd learnt a lesson, perhaps I've just learnt a weakness.

And now I fear it's too late.