I gave in...

...I shaved. The comedy wasn't worth the stigma.

Just when I was starting to feel good about myself my depression starts to get the better of me. It's always the way, I can't help it either. I've struggled for the longest time with manic depression, it's not a case of not letting it get to you because it does, no matter what. Unless I go back on the meds of course, to which I refuse.

There's no-one I can really talk to about everything. I never feel right bothering anyone with my problems or my feelings. Sometimes all I want is someone to hold me close and tell me everything will be ok, that I'm loved.

I always blame myself for however I feel. It's my fault if I don't/won't feel better.


Still having nightmares. Those aren't as bad as the dreams though. But that's a story for another time.

The rugged look is back...apparently.

I haven't shaved for about 4-5 days and I just looked at myself in the mirror;

hahahahahahahhahahahaha...

...lemme finish...

....hahahahahaha.


I might not shave again for a while and grow a beard for the sheer comedic value.

"...for who could ever learn to love a beast?"

Beauty and the Beast is the best Disney movie. I identify with the Beast.

Anyway been thinking about my "lovelife" recently (not that it's much of a life). I can't say I've met anyone I've been really interested in, I know a few nice girls, attractive too, but I'm just not attracted to them. Is there even anyone out there who meets my specifications of the kinda girl I'd date?

It's not like I'm looking for perfection or have standards that are too high. Maybe I just hang out in the wrong circles to meet somebody I'd actually be interested in romantically. Well someone within my league anyway. I do have a bit of a crush on one of Gareth's girlfriend's friends. But I've only really met her once briefly and she's insanely out of my league. And to be honest I probably wouldn't persue her even if I thought I had a chance, mortals aren't meant to mess with goddesses. Reaching for an angel's hand can have rewards I suppose.

Anyway I'm ready to put myself out there, it's time for Row to shine once again. Matt is gonna take a back seat for once.

Every night I burn.

"Don't look don't look" the shadows breathe,
whispering me away from you.
"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep,
You know that you will always lose.

In my dreams she dies again.

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr,
murmuring me away from you.
"Don't talk of worlds that never were,
the end is all that's ever true.
There's nothing you can ever say,
nothing you can ever do... "

And I wake up alone. I'd give my world to forget.

Still every night I burn,
every night I scream your name.
Every night I burn,
every night the dream's the same.
Every night I burn,
waiting for my only friend.
Every night I burn,
waiting for the world to end.