The Flood

I sit here tonight and I find myself going over some of the promises I've made to myself over the years. I think about the big ones and the little ones, the ones I've kept and the ones I haven't, the promises I've yet to make and the ones I've yet to keep. I think about all these promises and I laugh a little to myself. It is a hollow laugh.

I remember many years ago making the promise to myself that I'd change myself completely. I'd cast off everything that I didn't like about myself (which was a lot) and emerge anew. That was a big promise but I kept to it as best I could. I started to work out, I went for cross country bike rides everyday and I lost a lot of weight. For the first time in my life I was able to look in the mirror and just for the briefest second I didn't see the disgusting obese man I was used to seeing.

But it wasn't just a physical change I wanted. Like most people I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to become the person I felt on the inside, not the outer shell the rest of the world saw and hated. So I worked on that too. I went to the doctor and got the medication for my manic depression, I even started seeing a shrink and a theropist to work through some of the more "complicated" of my mental problems.

None of it was easy and I almost literally ended up destroying myself in the process. But when I came out the other side even I didn't recognise me. The scars and the ruins of who I once was are still visible, I still find it hard to look in the mirror and not see a fat man.

It's funny though, I'm proudest of the fact that I kept a promise I made to myself. That doesn't happen often. I mean I'll stick to my convictions mostly all of the time, but promises I make to myself seem to crumble to dust.

After a while I stopped taking the antidepressants and whatever other medication I was on. There is a bitter joy in sorrow, as they say.

Promises are an odd thing. I don't make them often unless I know I'll keep them. But I find myself making silly little ones all the time to myself. Before I started writing this post I found myself promising myself that I'd get in better shape. It's the kind of small thing we all promise ourselves after we've stepped on the scales in the morning, even when it's not really neccessary.

I find myself comparing this little promise to "lose a little bit of weight" to the big promises I made all those years ago to change myself. It seems so trivial and yet so neccessary. I guess I'll never stop craving self-improvement...Or perhaps I'm just very vain.

I always say to people when they ask or comment about vanity: "Oh I'm an extremely vain man, which is rather ironic really as I'm so hideously ugly."

Perhaps there is a silent arrogance to that. I don't care, I'm me and I'll continue to be myself regardless of other people. The only person we should change for is ourself.


Well this post doesn't make a lot of sense, no point to it. Sorry if you just wasted moments of your life reading it. Apologies for typos, grammatical errors and bad syntax etc but I won't be proof reading this one.


on an unrelated note:

-sigh- I wish I was close to anyone.

Anywhere.

That girl is a disease. Those who fall in love with her (as everybody does it seems as it's so easy) compromise themselves when they're with her. They become people they are not, they force themselves closer to her until she is the defining thing about them. And they allow this! They let her define them. And what happens to them in the end? She destroys them, she cuts them down and turns them free. But since they've forgotten themselves in her embrace all they see in the world is her and all they feel is her absence.

She's left a trail of merciless heartbreak. Yet I admire her.

She was always true to herself, she let men grow close to her as she in turn grew close to them. But in the end when she broke their hearts it was always in order to follow her own.

It's not her I don't like it's the whining puppydogs that pine after her or the ones that follow her when they are in favour. Human beings are more independent than that. Love her, let her love you but for gods sake leave her be.

As for me, emotions are empty and dangerous so I refrain from them. Well not the fun ones ;)

Update and ramblings

So it's been a while since I updated. Figured I might as well.

I intended that this blog be an outlet for my emotions or moods or whatever else I happened to be feeling. But lately I've not had a lot to vent about. That isn't to say everything has been great, or even good, things have been uneventful I suppose. Perhaps just uninteresting to outsiders.

Not a lot has changed. I suppose I've met a few new people, made a few new "friends", I use the term loosely as to me people are all expendable in some way or another. I'm still not sleeping well but the nightmares are less frequent. It's the dreams that disturb me in sleep now. Dreams are always worse, where they are not weird of course.

I'm looking forward to returning home for the Easter holidays. There are certain things I miss. I miss my cat (though i've found when I do go home I quickly grow tired of him) and I miss Gareth (though I only see him slightly more often when I'm at home). I also miss the countryside itself, the city is interesting enough but sometimes it's nice to look out of your window and hear nothing but the wind and the birds in the trees, or to see no people just green landscapes stretching into valleys, rivers and fields. I used to go for walks in the countryside, I'd stay out until just after dusk when the bats would come out. If I were to stay out until just after dusk here in the city, all that would immerge would be crackheads and drunken idiots.

Though I suppose when you live in the city you long for the peace of the countryside and when you live in the countryside you miss the hustle and bustle of the city. Never anything to do in the country, far too much to do in the city. No human can appreciate what they have, I know if I did I'd just try to spoil it. Only happy when I'm miserable :P

Reaching for the out of reach.

No prize is worth attaining if you can never share it, there would be no point.